Can Hardly Wait!

It's now 12:34am German time so Merry Christmas everyone! But I can hardly sleep a wink! I wish it was 7 am already so my husband and daughter can open all of our gifts! I have always been the one who has problems going to bed the night before Christmas and is always the first one one up at the butt crack of dawn waiting to open my gifts. My husband is sleeping on the couch right now waiting for his raid on WoW to start at 2am and Sarah is fast alseep dreaming of wonderful things.
I even have the Santa tracker by NORAD on so I can see where Santa has visited. Yes I know he's not real, but the child in me can still believe! Right now he is in Guinea fpr two more minutes. Anyway, I really can't wait to spend my first Christmas with Sarah and helping her open her gifts. I know she's doesn't really know what's going on, but next year is going to be more wonderful since it will be in the states and she will know what to do.
My husband and I are going to video tape her and take a lot of pictures which of course will goup on Myspace so the rest of my family and friends can see. I am so blessed to be spending this time with my wonderful family where many others are not able to. I do hope that the men and women serving over in Iraq have a wonderful Christmas this year and are able to talk to their loved ones by either phone or webcam. I'm so thankful and blessed for a lot of things. Hoping everyone has a very Merry Christmas this year!

Might Be Time To Let Go

I have so much stuff racing through my head right now that it's not even funny. But I do have one thing on my mind that keeps repeating over and over in my head. I guess it's because I just have a problem with one of my friends and the many choices she has made over her life. I know it's not my place to say or to tell her how she should live her life, but it just irks me and confuses me is all. I know that if she reads this, she will get mad and all, but this is my blog and I can do what I want with it without using her name and have it be tarnished.
Now it might just be me or other people might have noticed, but she has a tendancy to go from one extreme to another. She is also someone who always has some sort of drama happening in her life which is always for the worse. I have actually never been around someone who has THAT much drama in their life since I try to stay away from it and the people that bring it. But sometimes it does come my way. Anyway, I'm a little peeved at her for a few reasons with the big one being that she is living at my parents place and owes them $900 for rent which they are still waiting for.
She was paying them with some of her disability money that was coming in but in stepped drama and the medical people decided to expire her disability. So she had to go and re-do the paperwork and is now in the process of waiting for it to go into effect. She has classes out in Antioch and has to take the bus out there, but I guess the buss that goes to the school is out in Martinez so my mom has to get up and drive her down there even when my mom doesn't feel like it, but does anyway. My mom got mad at her one day because She didn't bother to look online to see if the busses were running since it was veteran's day or something like that and had my mom drive out there only to turn around and come back home making my mom real late to work so that's why she wasn't very pleased. She also hasn't really tried to help out around the house with chorse and whatnot which she should since my parents are letting her live there and should be grateful to having a place to stay at.
My dad gets grossed out by how she cleans her dishes which in both my parents terms are crappy because there are still food particles stuck to them so they will turn around and re-wash them. My dad got mad because of how messy she has turned my room into and I guess he has told her nicely to try and tidy it up. My parents have already told me that my room will always be my room so that whenever my family and I come to visit, we will have my room. Anyway, I am sorry that this has turned more into a rant than anything else, but it's just something that needs to get off of my chest. Also, I am sorry if I sound cold hearted.
Anyway, my parents and brother are getting real close to telling her to go find a new place to live if she doesn't pay them when her disability comes in since the economy is in poor state and my dad's work is in the slow season with him being a wallpaper and painter contractor. My brother doesn't really care for her and got real mad at when she told him that she would be taking over my place while I'm gone. My brother told my mom F that and that no one could ever replace me and that it would be EONS for him to ever think of her as a sister. The thing that got me peeved at her was when I was on yahoo IM talking to a guy friend of mine ( whom I talk to every know and then) and was telling him about me going to see a new doctor yesterday. I was referred to this doctor to take some tests to see if I am bi-polar and if I am, then what type of bi-polar.
Anyway, when I brought up the issue with my friend that they can't tell if I am bi-polar 1 or 2 he said that he already knew because she had told him! Now whe nI tell a friend or family member about something priavet like that, I don't expect them to go an tell other people even if they are my friends because it's not their place to do so. So I asked when when the last time he talked to her since they have been on and off as firends and he said back when I was still living in Cali when I was still dating Ryan and the 3 of us hung out together. So I of course was not happy that I have a friends of mine telling someone that I am bi-polar when it has never been brought up in my history at all and I have never said anything about it. I didn't even know that I could be Bi-polar until a few days ago when my regular doctor referred me to this new doc!
I really don't appreciate someone saying that at all and even when I do confront her later today, Cali time since I'm nine hours ahead of everyone for the momment, I know she will more than likely act like she has no idea what I am talking about. So I will just have to watch what I say around her and remind my mom not to say certain things around her when it comes to my health. She also will get me a little mad when it comes to my family. Yeah there are times when my husband does things that irritate me with the little things he does or doesn't do with my daughter and I, but I don't need someone telling me "I told you so" or how to do certain things because everyone is different. If I do complain about my husband or daughter, it's more of me venting and just talking about how my day went.
Never asked someone to give me their two cents. The only advice that I will take is from my parent's, my in-laws, doctors and other people who know what the hell they are talking about. I know my life isn't perfect, but her's is FAR from being perfect and needs to focus on her family and compleating school before she can preach to others. (Going to sound like a cold hearted bitch right now) But at least I have a roof over my head, have a wonderful husband that can provide for our daughter and I, we are able to pay our bills, have a car to get us to where we need to go and know what the hell we want in out lives!! Our marriage might not be perfect and we do have our momments when it comes to fights and I am not saying that I am the Harriet Osman of our times, but we do with what we got and are HAPPY!!
So I think I am getting to that point in some people lives where we need to not be friends anymore or not deal with each other for awhile.

Missing The States

I really can't wait to get back to the states and leave this place for a few years. I'm just tired of living here and not being around english speaking people aside from the people on base and housing. Were I can actually find clothes that fit instead of doing my shopping online, can go to a mall and see a movie in english that comes out the day it says instead of it coming out to us the time it finally hits shelves. I also miss real American resturants, but most of all, I miss being around my family and friends.
It sucks being nine hours ahead of everyone and trying to keep in contact with them. That's one of the reasons why I got Myspace so that I can keep in contact with everyone and they can see what I have been up to. It does get tiring seeing the same places and a lot of my friends that I made over here in Germany are mostly in their 30's. All of my friends that are my age are back in Cali. So I miss being around people my age and doing fun stuff.
Sarah is too young to travel to certain places with us including some of the child friendly ones. It wont be a lot fun taking her places until she is a little older, walking and can talk better. Haha. This is the farthest I have been from my family and friends even though I love being with Ryan and Sarah and doing things with them, it just gets kinda depressing when the people you love, can't be there to share it with you.
A majority of both Ryan and my family have yet to meet Sarah in person and play with her which makes me sad. They also couldn't be there for me when I was pregnant with her and share all the special moments. I still feel bad that my grandma who passed away on the 2nd of this month never got to meet her, but only saw her in pictures. Right now in my mind, being in the states will make a lot of things better and easier for family and friends to meet her and to see us.
Plus it wont cost people and arm and a leg to fly out to Germany. We are going to try and fly out to Cali and Georgia for the Summer for both June and possibly July. But we will see how money is for us. Thank God we have less than a year before coming back to the states!!

Poor Caylee. R.I.P.

So I read a few days ago about the feds saying that the childs remains do belong to Caylee. I kinda knew that they probably were her's with them being not so far from her house. I don't understand how a mother (if she was the one to do it) could look their child in the eye and kill them cold heartedly. I know we all get frustrated with our kids and get mad at them, but we don't go so overboard to harm them. I can't even picture myself doing that to Sarah.
How does one even get into that mind frame and do that? I hope she's now in heaven at peace walking hand in hand with God. It just really sickens me when any small child is killed for no reason. I really do hope that her mother gets the maximim sentance for her crimes. Man that gets me mad.

Never Easy To Say Goodbye To A Loved One

On December 2nd of this year, I got a phone call from my Uncle that my grandma passed away early that morning. I knew a few days ago that she was terminally ill with Lymphoma Cancer. The doctors said that she had a few hours to a few days to live, but I never thought she would have left this world so soon! Today they are going to have a small service at the Laffeyette Cemetary and then a wake at my Uncles house in Paso Robes. I'm still both shock and very crushed.
She was the healthiest woman that I have known. She would always get up at 5am and walk 5 miles around her neighborhood, ate healthy, worked out in the pool and so much more! I miss her so much and it really sucks that I can't be in the states to be with family and to visit her gravesite. She was a very strong and beautiful woman and has overcome many things in her life. She's a survivor of the Hiroshima bombings and I will never forget the stories she would tell me about how she survivied.
She even overcame a heart attack that she had when she was 25 that actually did kill her, but was able to revive her. I know my grandpa is taking the loss really hard. He loved her so much even through the worst of times. I hope he doesn't relapse and go back to drinking heavily andtry to kill himself from drinking too much. I do know that he will probably be the next to go since his soulmate is no longer with him, dying of a broken heart.
This will be my first actually crappy Christmas this year. The only thing good that will be coming out of this Christmas is celebrating Sarah's first Christmas. She never got to meet her great grandma, but I show her her picture everyday. My grandma got to see pictures of Sarah that I would send to her or ones that my cousin would print out from myspace. I will never forget my grandma and will always remember everything that we did together forever!!
I know my mom and Uncle are taking it really hard as well and it will take a long time for the pain to subside. My family and I should be coming back to Cali for June and July and durring our time there, my mom and I will plan a trip to pay our respects to grandma. I'm going to try and take things one day at a time and keep remembering that she's with God and the rest of her family living in peace and harmony. I made sure that grandpa told her that I loved her very much two days before she passed away. I'm going to go cry a little more now. :(

We All HAve Our Off Days

So over the weekend, my husband and I couldn't figure out why Sarah was being so difficult until late Sunday night. She was just having an off day and was overly tired since she hadn't slept well since Thanksgiving. Though I think she might be getting an ear infection where as my husband thinks it's because she was constipated. It could be a lot of things, but thankfully she slept though the night and has been better since. It sucks not being able to make your baby feel better or know what's wrong.
Sarah goes for her 6 month check up on the 9th. I can't believe how much time has passed and how big and independent she is getting. She is trying to stand up by herself without using the help of a table or anything that she can use to prop herself up and try to get into the walking position. Her doctor said that since she is advancing farther than most babies her age, that she wouldn't be surprised if she started to walk at 7 months! She is just growing way too fast and is in the middle of a growth spurt because she is eating like crazy!
She still can't say any words though sometimes when she babbles, it sounds like she says yeah a lot. Haha. I will write more about her after her baby well check up on the 9th.

Sarah's First Thanksgiving

So thanksgiving has now passed and I would have to say that it was an ok one for us, but to Sarah it was the best given it was her very first. We actually went to a friends house in our building for Thanksgiving. We brought her play gym with us and she had a blast playing on it. Crawling to Shelly's christmas tree, and watching the other kids and adults moving about. She was also very vocal.
This surprised me since she is normally quiet when we go to a friends house. She had her sweet potatoes for her thanksgiving treat and we stayed for a while afterwards playing games. One of the games that I played with the other women was a card game called spoons. It was actually a lot of fun and people would get brutal when it came to grabbing a spoon. I know I scratched a few people when grabbing one.
But of course I always said that I was sorry and that the next time we played the game, I would have my nails cut. Sarah has been very fussy the past 2 weeks. She hats being on her tummy and when she crawls, she will be crying as well. She always wants to be held and even then she will sometimes crawl. She's also been running a little warm and she doesn't sleep the eight hours like she used to.
I don't know if it's because she has been teething or if she is getting an earache because she will rub the side of her head, but it's really taking it's toll on Ryan and I and I hate seeing her in pain. Also today we have been battling diaper rash (just today) and some other kind of rash for a while. We have two different type of medicine for the two different rashes, but everytime it looks like it's going away, it comes back full force. I change her diaper as soon as she pees or poops so I don't know what the doctor is saying when she tells us that the other rash is because she's laying in moisture all the time because she doesn't.
Maybe she just has really sensitive skin or something, but I know it's not the diapers because she would have gotten the rash when she was smaller. I've only used Pampers because I didn't care for Huggies. She has her 6 month baby well check up on the 9th so hopefully things get better otherwise I will have to take her out to the economy to be seen and make sure I have a patient liason with me that can help translate. My poor baby girl!

Sarah Never Ceases to Amaze Me

So today, my daughter did two new firsts! She can now get on her hands and knees, but still needs to figure out how to get the crawling part going and this afternoon when I was playing on the floor with her, she rolled onto her back and shoved her right foot in her mouth! I am so proud of her, but feel bad for my husband because he missed out on her foot eating. I know the crawling, she is starting real early for her age, but I do know some other women around here who have babies that are 4-5 months old that can already crawl. It's amazing how some babies develop quicker in certain areas than others.
I think she is growing way to fast and would like her to be still needy for me, but I also want her to start being indpendent and try things out on her own. I know it's going to be really hard for me when she gets to the age of starting kindergarten and not wanting her to leave my side. I think all first time mothers and fathers have the difficulty of letting go and worrying if their child will be ok without them at school or with a friend or even a babysitter. I don't let anyone outside of family and very close friends watch Sarah when Ryan and I want to have us time or go sightseeing. Majority of the time, Sarah is always with me.
There are too many crazy people out there that I don't trust and if we ever did need a babysittler outside of family and firends, I plan on running a background check on them and still place cameras in my house to make sure they are not neglecting or abusing her. I have seen way too many nanny cams where the women are abusive to the children for no reason and that is not right!! It's sad to see the kind of world that we live in with a lot of bad people in it. It's also scary and I don't really like having that feeling. I think I might be turning into one of those worry wort mothers, but not the crazy not going to let my child do anything type.
One thing is for sure, you mess with my kid and I will take you out like Cougar protecting her young.

Feelings of Rejection

I'm now experiencing the feeling of rejection by my own daughter phase. She's been wanting to be around and play with her father than she does with me at the momment. For the past few days, she has been doing nothing but cry whenever she is left with me. She will only be happy for a few minutes and then cry as if I was beating the crap out of her which I don't. Whenever she does that cry, I call it the cry of death or death cry.
It really frustrates me a lot when I can't put Sarah down at all for a nap or even bedtime without her giving me problems. She can be on the verge of falling asleep, but will fight it until Ryan comes home around 11:30pm and then go fast asleep when he lays her down! I feel like she doesn't love me anymore and would rather spend all of her time with her daddy and could care less about me. I wound up calling my mother in the wee hours her time since I am 9hrs ahead of her crying my face off. She calmed me down and told me that it's just a phase and that all mothers go through it at some point.
I wish I would have known about this before hand so I could possibly prepare myself. I know I am not a bad mother and that she still loves me, but it's really hard feeling rejected by your own fleash and blood and not wanted. It's actually one of the worst feelings I have ever had. I'm trying to stay patient and understanding, but I guess I am still dealing with baby blues or something and plan on bringing it up to my therapist tomorrow morning. This is also been hard on me with still recovering from my surgey and trying to not put a lot of stress on my body.
I am hoping for things to pass quickly so I can get out of the baby blues rut and go back to being and feeling "normal" again. Just have to take things one day at a time and deal with it.

Halfway Healed!

Only two more days until I am at my halfway point in recovery! That also means that I am about 1-2 weeks away from getting my lab results from my LEEP surgery that I had on the 1st of this month. I am both excited and nervous about the results and hope I will finally get some good news. If my results come back saying that they got rid of all the abnormal cells, then I don't have to do anything exceot set up another pap test in six months. If they come back saying that I still have abnormal cells, then I will have to go back for another Colposcopy and then wait another 3-4 weeks to get the results.
Since having Sarah, I have had nothing but bad health happen to me. I know it's not her fault and I don't blame her. I just hope to get good news this time around and not have them say that I actually have cervical cancer since my cells were in the high abnormal range and in the pre-cancerous state. No one likes to be told that they have a life threatning disease and the people who really know me, know that I can be very emotional about certain things. From having a catheter put in my crotch to help drain an abcess that my Bartholin Gland had created to having an abnormal pap, colposcopy and finally the LEEP surgery, I am tired of having bad things happen to me.
I still have a little discharge from the LEEP. It's mostly black (what I like to call smoke cinders) from when the hot wire loop cut into my cervix. I haven't felt any pain except for when I move a certain way. I can usually tell when I have done too much because my lower back will start to hurt like crazy or I will get a little cramping. I will be so happy when I can quit wearing pads due to the discharge and for when I have my menstral.
When someone has a LEEP performed, they don't want you lifting anything heavy (over 12lbs), no tampons, no sex, no sitting in the tub soaking (only showers are allowed) or using any pelvic muscles for four weeks!! Like I said before, I can't wait to be healthy again and be able to go back to the gym to workout again. Here is to hoping for good news and losing my pregnancy weight. Haha

I Don't Understand

I dont understand some people. I was watching America's Most Wanted earlier today and I got really upset watching one crime. A father and his 7 month old son went to go visit the child's Godfathers house. The father left the child in the car, walked up to the house and two men who I guess had beef with the godfather ran u pto the dad with guns to his head and forced themselves into the house. The father tried to turn and run for his son, but was shot twice and killed while the godfather managed to escape.
The two men gave chase and both noticed the baby sitting in his carseat when for no reason whatsoever, both men shot the child in the HEAD!!! They then left the scene and the Godfather ran to him calling for help. He did get help, but sadly the child died at the hospital. Who in their messed up mind would hurt an innocent child like that?! I don't understand that at all. It's not like the baby could identify them or be able to help catch them.
That story really got me upset and I was bawling my face off. Since having Sarah, anything that has to do with infants or small children for that matter gets me all emotional. I can actually relate to other perents now and know where they are coming from. I don't know what I would do if something horrible ever happened to my daughter. I hope to not ever go through an experience like that in my life.
I can't stand that mother of Caylee. How the hell can you just sit there for a fricken month before calling the cops to tell them that your daughter is missing!! Any mother or father in their right mind would call the cops right away if their child was missing for more than 24 hours and would have been knocking on peoples doors and getting friends and family to help them find their child right away! I also couldn't believe (in my eyes) how incompitent the authorities were including the bounty hunters in not keeping her locked up without bail and making her suspect number 1!! They knew she's a compulsive liar and from all of her recordings, she shows no emotion at all about her daughter along with the other evidence.
Now all of a sudden after they arrested her for identity theft and other charges, they then decide that she is a suspect in her daughters disappearance. HELLO!!!!!! I believe she killed her daughter and when the truth finally does come out, I hope or would wish that they would give her the same treatment that she did to her child. A child never asked to be brought into the world, but things happen and you are suppose to care and love your child keeping them safe. If they can't take care or have the means to provide for their child, there are other options than killing them or leaving them in the dumpster!!
I think some of the mothers who kill their children and then use the mental diability card so they don't get the death penalty or life really irk me and make me sick. Now I know there are some mothers out there who do have a chemical imbalance, but the ones who are perfectly sane and then clame a disorder that they don't actually have is just plain wrong and sick! I would love to pick at their brains to see just how they tick. I don't understand how GOD could create people like that.
Well actually GOD gave us brains and hoping that we would use our brains for good, but obviously that didn't really happen. I don't think I will ever understand the human mind and why people do the things they do. This was more of a vent than anything else.

Being a First Time Mother

I love being a mother. I think it's the best thing in the world for any woman to experience. I really can't describe how wonderful of a feeling it is taking care of something so small and precious than what two people very much in love can create. My daughter contently amazes me with everything she does. I can't believe I helped create her.
Honestly, I can stare at her for hours and never grow tired of it. Today was her first time trying rice cereal. She didn't really care for it and wanted her formula instead. I wasn't discouraged, mainly because she got her second round of shots yesterday at her 4 month check up. So I know she is still sore and a little out of it to be trying something new.
More than likely I will try again tomorrow or Sunday and see what happens. Since giving birth to her, I have grown to have more patience with some things especially with her. She's actually on my lap right now as I type. Haha. The first time I left her with a friend so I could get my LEEP surgery done,(another time for a later blog) I was so nervous and scared.
I almost didn't want to leave. But I knew she was in very good hands since my neighbor has two kids of her own and I have seen her with other small children. I actually surprised myself because I thought I was going to be calling my friend every five minutes but only called twice. Go me! I think my biggest test will be leaving her in daycare where I don't know any of the adults.
But right now I am enjoying being a stay at home mom spending all of my time with her. She'll come with me to my scrapbook group in my apartment complex. Sarah is such a great baby and always does well when we go places. The only time she gets fussy is if she is hungry, need a diaper change or is tired. She also almost always sleeps through the night!
She's trying to crawl right now and so far she has the back half right, it's just trying to figure out how to get her front half to work. Sarah is defiantly not a quitter because she will keep trying eventhough she will get frustrated at times. No one said being a parent would be easy, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

All about me!

So since this will be my first blog, I thought I would let all of you get to know me better. I am originally from California, born and raised. I have wonderful parents and a great brother who is five years younger than me. I'm your typical girl who likes to shop at the mall, go to the movies, chill with friends, traveling the world and try to live a stress free life though that is hard at times. I can be shy at first when I am meeting new people, but once I get to know you better, I become a very outgoing person.
Some of my downfalls is that I can be very stubborn, have attitude, and can be bad tempered. I decided to make my professional career as a massage therapist. Now let me tell you right away the big difference between a massage therapist and a masseuse. Massage therapist do relaxing massages where the client is covered by a sheet or towel and the private parts are not touched in any way or manner. We do not pay for sex. Now a masseuse is actually a whore in disguise so as not to get busted by the cops, that will do body on body massage with a happy ending.
It is illegal and immoral to do that. So I take it very seriously when people get my job title mixed up along with other therapists. Now on to the good stuff like my husband and daughter. I met my wonderful husband through Hotornot.com on August 27,2005. We didn't meet in person until September and became an official couple on October 15,2005.
He's in the Army and a darn good one at that. Believe me, he's a very hard worker and I couldn't be more proud of him. We got married the day of my graduation from Western Career College on June 24,2006 because he was going to be living in Germany. We had a civil wedding like a lot of military couples do and plan to have a full wedding with the white dress and whole shebang sometime in the future. We have been in Germany for two years now and I can't wait to come back to the states.
I have already seen a lot of Germany and have been to Paris once. I had my beautiful daughter on June 9,2008 and couldn't feel more blessed to have her in my life. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. I'm learning so much and enjoying a majority of it! That is all for now.
Hope that helped you get a little insite about who I am. It's the whole enchillada, but hopefully though my posts, you will slowly get to know me better. :)