Sarah Never Ceases to Amaze Me

So today, my daughter did two new firsts! She can now get on her hands and knees, but still needs to figure out how to get the crawling part going and this afternoon when I was playing on the floor with her, she rolled onto her back and shoved her right foot in her mouth! I am so proud of her, but feel bad for my husband because he missed out on her foot eating. I know the crawling, she is starting real early for her age, but I do know some other women around here who have babies that are 4-5 months old that can already crawl. It's amazing how some babies develop quicker in certain areas than others.
I think she is growing way to fast and would like her to be still needy for me, but I also want her to start being indpendent and try things out on her own. I know it's going to be really hard for me when she gets to the age of starting kindergarten and not wanting her to leave my side. I think all first time mothers and fathers have the difficulty of letting go and worrying if their child will be ok without them at school or with a friend or even a babysitter. I don't let anyone outside of family and very close friends watch Sarah when Ryan and I want to have us time or go sightseeing. Majority of the time, Sarah is always with me.
There are too many crazy people out there that I don't trust and if we ever did need a babysittler outside of family and firends, I plan on running a background check on them and still place cameras in my house to make sure they are not neglecting or abusing her. I have seen way too many nanny cams where the women are abusive to the children for no reason and that is not right!! It's sad to see the kind of world that we live in with a lot of bad people in it. It's also scary and I don't really like having that feeling. I think I might be turning into one of those worry wort mothers, but not the crazy not going to let my child do anything type.
One thing is for sure, you mess with my kid and I will take you out like Cougar protecting her young.

Feelings of Rejection

I'm now experiencing the feeling of rejection by my own daughter phase. She's been wanting to be around and play with her father than she does with me at the momment. For the past few days, she has been doing nothing but cry whenever she is left with me. She will only be happy for a few minutes and then cry as if I was beating the crap out of her which I don't. Whenever she does that cry, I call it the cry of death or death cry.
It really frustrates me a lot when I can't put Sarah down at all for a nap or even bedtime without her giving me problems. She can be on the verge of falling asleep, but will fight it until Ryan comes home around 11:30pm and then go fast asleep when he lays her down! I feel like she doesn't love me anymore and would rather spend all of her time with her daddy and could care less about me. I wound up calling my mother in the wee hours her time since I am 9hrs ahead of her crying my face off. She calmed me down and told me that it's just a phase and that all mothers go through it at some point.
I wish I would have known about this before hand so I could possibly prepare myself. I know I am not a bad mother and that she still loves me, but it's really hard feeling rejected by your own fleash and blood and not wanted. It's actually one of the worst feelings I have ever had. I'm trying to stay patient and understanding, but I guess I am still dealing with baby blues or something and plan on bringing it up to my therapist tomorrow morning. This is also been hard on me with still recovering from my surgey and trying to not put a lot of stress on my body.
I am hoping for things to pass quickly so I can get out of the baby blues rut and go back to being and feeling "normal" again. Just have to take things one day at a time and deal with it.

Halfway Healed!

Only two more days until I am at my halfway point in recovery! That also means that I am about 1-2 weeks away from getting my lab results from my LEEP surgery that I had on the 1st of this month. I am both excited and nervous about the results and hope I will finally get some good news. If my results come back saying that they got rid of all the abnormal cells, then I don't have to do anything exceot set up another pap test in six months. If they come back saying that I still have abnormal cells, then I will have to go back for another Colposcopy and then wait another 3-4 weeks to get the results.
Since having Sarah, I have had nothing but bad health happen to me. I know it's not her fault and I don't blame her. I just hope to get good news this time around and not have them say that I actually have cervical cancer since my cells were in the high abnormal range and in the pre-cancerous state. No one likes to be told that they have a life threatning disease and the people who really know me, know that I can be very emotional about certain things. From having a catheter put in my crotch to help drain an abcess that my Bartholin Gland had created to having an abnormal pap, colposcopy and finally the LEEP surgery, I am tired of having bad things happen to me.
I still have a little discharge from the LEEP. It's mostly black (what I like to call smoke cinders) from when the hot wire loop cut into my cervix. I haven't felt any pain except for when I move a certain way. I can usually tell when I have done too much because my lower back will start to hurt like crazy or I will get a little cramping. I will be so happy when I can quit wearing pads due to the discharge and for when I have my menstral.
When someone has a LEEP performed, they don't want you lifting anything heavy (over 12lbs), no tampons, no sex, no sitting in the tub soaking (only showers are allowed) or using any pelvic muscles for four weeks!! Like I said before, I can't wait to be healthy again and be able to go back to the gym to workout again. Here is to hoping for good news and losing my pregnancy weight. Haha

I Don't Understand

I dont understand some people. I was watching America's Most Wanted earlier today and I got really upset watching one crime. A father and his 7 month old son went to go visit the child's Godfathers house. The father left the child in the car, walked up to the house and two men who I guess had beef with the godfather ran u pto the dad with guns to his head and forced themselves into the house. The father tried to turn and run for his son, but was shot twice and killed while the godfather managed to escape.
The two men gave chase and both noticed the baby sitting in his carseat when for no reason whatsoever, both men shot the child in the HEAD!!! They then left the scene and the Godfather ran to him calling for help. He did get help, but sadly the child died at the hospital. Who in their messed up mind would hurt an innocent child like that?! I don't understand that at all. It's not like the baby could identify them or be able to help catch them.
That story really got me upset and I was bawling my face off. Since having Sarah, anything that has to do with infants or small children for that matter gets me all emotional. I can actually relate to other perents now and know where they are coming from. I don't know what I would do if something horrible ever happened to my daughter. I hope to not ever go through an experience like that in my life.
I can't stand that mother of Caylee. How the hell can you just sit there for a fricken month before calling the cops to tell them that your daughter is missing!! Any mother or father in their right mind would call the cops right away if their child was missing for more than 24 hours and would have been knocking on peoples doors and getting friends and family to help them find their child right away! I also couldn't believe (in my eyes) how incompitent the authorities were including the bounty hunters in not keeping her locked up without bail and making her suspect number 1!! They knew she's a compulsive liar and from all of her recordings, she shows no emotion at all about her daughter along with the other evidence.
Now all of a sudden after they arrested her for identity theft and other charges, they then decide that she is a suspect in her daughters disappearance. HELLO!!!!!! I believe she killed her daughter and when the truth finally does come out, I hope or would wish that they would give her the same treatment that she did to her child. A child never asked to be brought into the world, but things happen and you are suppose to care and love your child keeping them safe. If they can't take care or have the means to provide for their child, there are other options than killing them or leaving them in the dumpster!!
I think some of the mothers who kill their children and then use the mental diability card so they don't get the death penalty or life really irk me and make me sick. Now I know there are some mothers out there who do have a chemical imbalance, but the ones who are perfectly sane and then clame a disorder that they don't actually have is just plain wrong and sick! I would love to pick at their brains to see just how they tick. I don't understand how GOD could create people like that.
Well actually GOD gave us brains and hoping that we would use our brains for good, but obviously that didn't really happen. I don't think I will ever understand the human mind and why people do the things they do. This was more of a vent than anything else.

Being a First Time Mother

I love being a mother. I think it's the best thing in the world for any woman to experience. I really can't describe how wonderful of a feeling it is taking care of something so small and precious than what two people very much in love can create. My daughter contently amazes me with everything she does. I can't believe I helped create her.
Honestly, I can stare at her for hours and never grow tired of it. Today was her first time trying rice cereal. She didn't really care for it and wanted her formula instead. I wasn't discouraged, mainly because she got her second round of shots yesterday at her 4 month check up. So I know she is still sore and a little out of it to be trying something new.
More than likely I will try again tomorrow or Sunday and see what happens. Since giving birth to her, I have grown to have more patience with some things especially with her. She's actually on my lap right now as I type. Haha. The first time I left her with a friend so I could get my LEEP surgery done,(another time for a later blog) I was so nervous and scared.
I almost didn't want to leave. But I knew she was in very good hands since my neighbor has two kids of her own and I have seen her with other small children. I actually surprised myself because I thought I was going to be calling my friend every five minutes but only called twice. Go me! I think my biggest test will be leaving her in daycare where I don't know any of the adults.
But right now I am enjoying being a stay at home mom spending all of my time with her. She'll come with me to my scrapbook group in my apartment complex. Sarah is such a great baby and always does well when we go places. The only time she gets fussy is if she is hungry, need a diaper change or is tired. She also almost always sleeps through the night!
She's trying to crawl right now and so far she has the back half right, it's just trying to figure out how to get her front half to work. Sarah is defiantly not a quitter because she will keep trying eventhough she will get frustrated at times. No one said being a parent would be easy, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

All about me!

So since this will be my first blog, I thought I would let all of you get to know me better. I am originally from California, born and raised. I have wonderful parents and a great brother who is five years younger than me. I'm your typical girl who likes to shop at the mall, go to the movies, chill with friends, traveling the world and try to live a stress free life though that is hard at times. I can be shy at first when I am meeting new people, but once I get to know you better, I become a very outgoing person.
Some of my downfalls is that I can be very stubborn, have attitude, and can be bad tempered. I decided to make my professional career as a massage therapist. Now let me tell you right away the big difference between a massage therapist and a masseuse. Massage therapist do relaxing massages where the client is covered by a sheet or towel and the private parts are not touched in any way or manner. We do not pay for sex. Now a masseuse is actually a whore in disguise so as not to get busted by the cops, that will do body on body massage with a happy ending.
It is illegal and immoral to do that. So I take it very seriously when people get my job title mixed up along with other therapists. Now on to the good stuff like my husband and daughter. I met my wonderful husband through Hotornot.com on August 27,2005. We didn't meet in person until September and became an official couple on October 15,2005.
He's in the Army and a darn good one at that. Believe me, he's a very hard worker and I couldn't be more proud of him. We got married the day of my graduation from Western Career College on June 24,2006 because he was going to be living in Germany. We had a civil wedding like a lot of military couples do and plan to have a full wedding with the white dress and whole shebang sometime in the future. We have been in Germany for two years now and I can't wait to come back to the states.
I have already seen a lot of Germany and have been to Paris once. I had my beautiful daughter on June 9,2008 and couldn't feel more blessed to have her in my life. My husband is a wonderful father and husband. I'm learning so much and enjoying a majority of it! That is all for now.
Hope that helped you get a little insite about who I am. It's the whole enchillada, but hopefully though my posts, you will slowly get to know me better. :)